Doli mein Gai Hoon, doley mein Aana is not a part of Islam.

Women rights in Islam | Islamic marriage

A rough translation of the above would be "you have left home as a bride return only as a corpse". Hinting that a woman needs to die trying to make her marriage work and she cannot and should not return home before her death.

From the onset of marriage this societal pressure is placed on her shoulders. Sometimes on daughters as young as 18 or 19 years.

It doesn't help that Indian and Pakistani dramas are ripe with parents suffering from heart attack because rishta toot gaya, magni toot gayi or ladki ka talaaq hogaya. What kinda weak parents are these? 

And why is their health directly related to the marital status of their daughter?

Sure every parent wants to see their daughter happy and settled but we live in real world where more than 30% marriages result in a divorce. It's a part of life.

And parents who have lived and survived a ton of hardships are suddenly shown as weak when it comes to the marriages of their daughters. God forbid there is more than one daughter at home.

Instead of supporting the daughter she goes through extreme guilt of being a failure, of being a burden on parents, of being the reason her parents can't show face in society.

How many friends do we know who have said "Mein marjaungi but apne Abbu Ammi ku takleef nahi dungi - I would die rather than making my parents go through this pain". What pain you ask? The pain of revelation that their daughter is living in an abusive marriage.

ABSOLUTE BONKERS!

As a parent if you get to know that your daughter is in an abusive marriage your reflex should be her safety and NOTHING ELSE.

I know of atleast 8 Muslim women who didn't disclose their divorce for 1 or 2+ years from the fear of backlash from society and extended family. They maintained a lie of being married.

In Islam women have a right to khula. The sanctity of a Muslim is greater than Kabah itself.

Ibn Abbas reported: The Messenger of Allah, صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ , looked at the Ka’bah and said, ❝How great are you and how great is your sanctity! Yet, the believer has greater sanctity to Allah than you. 

Verily, Allah sanctified you once and sanctified the believer thrice in his life, his wealth, and to not assume evil about him.❞

[Shu’ab al-Ima‌n 6196 | Grade: Hasan (fair) according to Al-Albani]

Ladies listen if your parents are weak, financial unable and not supportive of your decision to leave a toxic marriage be brave enough to take the steps necessary for yourself and your children if any. 

In many cases by the time women realize the abuse and the reality of their toxic marriage they are in their late 30s or even early 40s and by that time even good supportive parents cannot truly help you, they have grown way too old and fragile. The wheel is in your hands now. You are the decision maker of your life. Learn to take control and learn to overcome fear. 

Get counselling, therapy and shuaraa of family and community elders to see if your marriage can work. If it cannot, have zero guilt and reservations to safeguard and prioritize yourself.

Some desi parents do make it an issue of izzat/honour when their daughter wants to leave a marriage. They don't understand the severity of domestic abuse and the statistics of women who die because of it.

May Allah safeguard Muslims (men and women) in abusive relationships and grant them safety, peace and freedom that every human being deserves - Allahumma ameen!

Shamsiya Noorul Quloob

#MuslimSociety #Tradition #Sunnah

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