Islamic Solutions to Family Pressure on Studying and Career Choices
I received the following email:“...I am a Muslim sister from Australia and I am really struggling with what I should do. I finished school last year and so my parents pushed me into studying. I initially wanted to study the deen and stay at home as I know it would be best. I knew the fitna of university and so that was I definite no for me. My parents eventually pushed me and pressured me to studying something and so my other family as well. I went to college and now study two days a week and I really want to stop what I am doing as I have seen enough haram. Everyone is pushing me to study another subject and start working even though I have explained to them the wrongs of free mixing. I don't know how to deal with the pressure. Everyone thinks I have no goals or that I'm not doing anything with my life. I seriously don't know what to do. They want me to be able to also support my future husband and compare me to so many other working/studying wives as the expenses here in Australia is really high especially where I live where you can barely get by on an pretty decent income from one person. How do I get to study full time deen when I am in this type of environment/ also can't find any good full time courses online.”
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Advice 1: Don't obey anyone; including your parents, if they invite you to commit Ḥarām
Imām Al-Barbahāri [D. 329] states (under point 125 in his Sharh As-Sunnah):
(ومن السنة أن لا تطيع أحدا في معصية الله ولا الوالدين والخلق جميعا ولا طاعة لبشر في معصية الله...)
“From [the tenets of the] Sunnah is to not obey anyone in disobeying Allāh; not the parents and certainly not anyone else from the creation. There is NO obedience to a human being in disobedience of Allāh.”
Advice 2: You should remain firm in your decisions and not falter under pressure.
{ وَإِن جَـٰهَدَاكَ عَلَىٰۤ أَن تُشۡرِكَ بِی مَا لَیۡسَ لَكَ بِهِۦ عِلۡمࣱ فَلَا تُطِعۡهُمَاۖ وَصَاحِبۡهُمَا فِی ٱلدُّنۡیَا مَعۡرُوفࣰاۖ}
“But if they pressure you to associate with Me what you have no knowledge of, do not obey them. Still keep their company in this world courteously.” [Surah Luqmān: 15]
We learn from this Āyah that firmness upon the straight path does not mean behaving rudely and harshly to your parents.
Advice 3: Show your parents that you are sincere and serious about practicing the Deen, and not just looking for excuses to stay at home. For example, if on one hand you're telling them free-mixing is haram but you stay at home to watch TV all day, or you go out shopping with your girlfriends; that's not a good sign. Whereas if you're at home reciting Qurʿān, actively seeking knowledge, supporting your parents with household chores, etc., this goes some way to prove how serious you are.
Advice 4: Fear Allah (especially in your private life) and work righteous deeds
{ مَنۡ عَمِلَ صَـٰلِحࣰا مِّن ذَكَرٍ أَوۡ أُنثَىٰ وَهُوَ مُؤۡمِنࣱ فَلَنُحۡیِیَنَّهُۥ حَیَوٰةࣰ طَیِّبَةࣰۖ وَلَنَجۡزِیَنَّهُمۡ أَجۡرَهُم بِأَحۡسَنِ مَا كَانُوا۟ یَعۡمَلُونَ }
“Whoever does good, whether male or female, and is a believer, We will surely bless them with a good life, and We will certainly reward them according to the best of their deeds.” [Surah An-Naḥl: 97]
Advice 5: Be patient!
{أَحَسِبَ ٱلنَّاسُ أَن یُتۡرَكُوۤا۟ أَن یَقُولُوۤا۟ ءَامَنَّا وَهُمۡ لَا یُفۡتَنُونَ}
“Do people think once they say, “We believe,” that they will be left without being put to the test?” [Surah Al-ʿAnkabūt: 2]
Narrated Khabbab ibn Al-Arat:
We complained to Allah's Messenger (of the persecution inflicted by the disbelievers) while he was sitting in the shade of the Ka’bah, leaning over his Burd (i.e. covering sheet). We said to him, "Would you seek help for us? Would you pray to Allah for us?" He said, "Among the nations before you a man would be put into a ditch that was dug for him (buried alive), and a saw would be put over his head and he would be cut into two pieces, yet that would not make him give up his religion. His body would be combed with iron combs that would remove his flesh from the bones and nerves, yet that would not make him abandon his religion.
By Allah, this religion (i.e. Islam) will prevail till a traveler from Sana (in Yemen) to Hadrarmaut will fear none but Allah, or a wolf as regards his sheep,
وَلَكِنَّكُمْ تَسْتَعْجِلُونَ
but you (people) are hasty.”
[Bukhari, 3612]
Advice 6: Advise your parents through your good conduct and wise admonishment. Remind them that a righteous child is the one who will be of real benefit to them.
The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: "A man will be raised in status in Paradise and will say: 'Where did this come from?' And it will be said: 'From your child's praying for forgiveness for you.'" [Sunan Ibn Majah, 3660, graded 'Hasan' by Sheikh Albani]
Caution your parents from the dangers of free-mixing. Remind them of the evils that you encounter at college. Perhaps if they know the reality of what's going down, they would think twice before compelling you to attend.
Advice 7: Supplicate to Allah to rectify your condition
Advice 8: Allah's riqz is not confined to free-mixing. Just to give you some ideas:
Advice 9: Consider marriage to a righteous man. This may be a suitable escape route. Consult your parents of course.
